Happy Monday!

Lena

“You don’t have to actually answer the questions.

Just ponder on them.

Slowly read straight through, and you’ll get the point.”

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1. Name the five wealthiest people in the world.

2. Name the last five Heisman trophy winners.

3. Name the last five winners of the Miss America pageant.

4. Name ten people who have won the Nobel or Pulitzer Prize.

5. Name the last half dozen Academy Award winners for best actor and actress.

6. Name the last decade’s worth of World Series winners.

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How did you do?

The point is, none of us remember the headliners of yesterday.

These are no second-rate achievers.

They are the best in their fields.

But the applause dies..

Awards tarnish..

Achievements are forgotten.

Accolades and certificates are buried with their owners.

********************************************************************************

Here’s another quiz.

See how you do on this one:

1. List a few teachers who aided your journey through school.

2. Name three friends who have helped you through a difficult time.

3. Name five people who have taught you something worthwhile.

4. Think of a few people who have made you feel appreciated and special.

5. Think of five people you enjoy spending time with.

********************************************************************************

“Easier?

The lesson:

The people who make a difference in your life are not the ones with the most credentials, the most money…or the most awards. They simply are the ones who care the most.”

Courtesy of DRESS LP.

Relating to someone as a “self”—on the basis of how we see them right now—is like seeing a video reduced to a single frame, or seeing a ball hurtling through the air in a freeze-frame photograph. It’s life-denying. It’s a static way of seeing things. In taking a snapshot of a thing we lose its sense of trajectory, the sense that it’s headed somewhere. We’re disconnected from the reality of change and process. But imagine if we could consistently see a person not as a thing but as a process—if we could, at least in our imagination—see that person evolving towards wisdom and compassion. How might that change both them and us? That’s the challenge for us all.

I’d like to suggest an experiment to you, and I’d be delighted if you’d write a few words below about your experience of trying this. The experiment will only take two or three minutes of your time.

• I’d like you to call to mind someone you have a conflict with. Perhaps they have an annoying habit, or have done something to hurt you. Imagine that this person is in front of you.
• Call to mind the thing that bothers you about this person. Feel the annoyance that’s connected with that thing.
• Now, imagine, to the left of the person you’re thinking of, a much younger version of them. Perhaps at about 10 months old, when they were a baby, able to sit up, perhaps, but not yet able to walk or talk. And realize that these are both the same person.
• Then, on the right side of the person you’re calling to mind, see a much older version of them — perhaps in their nineties. Really old. And realize that all three forms are the same person.
• Now, call to mind that same thing that annoyed you about this person.

So, what happened for you?

I’ve recently been asking people to try this, and almost everyone has said that they experience sadness. They move from irritation or resentment, to sadness. Very quickly. Often people mention a sense of love or compassion as well, mingled with the sadness.

I think this is a very positive thing. It’s much healthier and less destructive, on the whole, to experience sadness than it is to experience hatred.

Why might we feel sad?

For me, it’s a number of things. I feel sad that I’ve taken one thing about a person’s life that I don’t like, and related to them on the basis of that, ignoring the rest of their being. I feel sad because life is too short to waste on petty ill will. And perhaps I’m a little sad at reminding myself of the brevity of life, and the inevitability of death.

But there’s a sense of sadness, too, that’s almost esthetic. Seen as just one part of an entire life, this irritating flaw makes the whole more beautiful, like the craquelure on an old painting, the creases on an old, faded photograph, or the peeling paint and sagging timbers of an old New England barn.

The sadness is, for me at least, mingled with love and compassion. It’s freeing myself from the prison of the moment, and seeing the person not as a static thing, but as an ever-changing continuum that allows that to happen. When a person is seen as a fixed point in time and space, there is much to dislike. When a person is seen as an ever-evolving process, there is much to love.

By Bodhipaksa and Courtesy of Wildmind.org.

More advice on relationships:

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10 Ways To Create A Strong, Intimate Relationship

Kevin and Lauren

I’ve always loved Valentine’s Day. Over the years it has meant different things to me, nonetheless I’ve still enjoyed it. As a kid it meant making valentines for all the kids in my class, receiving valentines, getting candy and other goodies from my parents and grandparents. It meant having a special note or treat in my lunch. As I got older and wanted attention from boys, Valentine’s Days were a little bit less fun as I went through awkward stages and unrequited loves. Valentine’s Days spent without a boy in my life meant hanging out with my other single girlfriends and enjoying our friendship. We would go to dinner, eat as many desserts as we could and watch chick flicks boys would groan at. Still very fun!

Still I remember my first Valentine’s Day with my first boyfriend. I was so nervous I couldn’t even eat. I had never had a boy on this “day of love” and wasn’t really sure how to act or what to buy.

Let’s fast forward to the present. This Valentine’s Day is the third one that I have celebrated with my current boyfriend, Kevin. I love celebrating it with someone I care about so much. One of my favorite things about the holiday (and any holiday really) is getting gifts for someone. I love thinking of ways to show people that I appreciate them with a fantastic gift they’ll love. This year (let’s hope he doesn’t read this!), I am making him a blanket with his favorite sports teams on it, I got him a cute Valentine’s Day frame to put our photo in, I got him some gummy candy he has been craving and of course a card!

I know someone people scoff at the idea of Valentine’s Day because it makes them depressed if they’re alone, they don’t want to spend money on a pointless holiday gift, or maybe they just hate the day for no reason. I wish people would just see it as a reminder. A reminder to tell the people you love that you love them. You don’t have to spend hundreds on diamonds and flowers and chocolates. Anyways, to me a heartfelt or handmade gift is much sweeter than jewelry or other treasures! If you have a significant other, spend the day or evening with them. Remind them why you love them. If you don’t have anyone special in your life, use this day as an excuse to pig out with your friends!

So no matter what happens in the future, I hope to always love Valentine’s Day and spend it with someone I love.

Please tell me what you think of Valentine’s Day and what you plan to do on Feb. 14!

To read more from Lauren, check out Lauren’s Thoughts.

Treat yourself to your favorite dinner. Whether you go out on a date to your favorite restaurant, order takeout or cook your favorite meal, forget about calories for just one day. Make or order your favorite comfort foods to enjoy. Just be sure to savor them and not get over-full!

Go to a yoga, Pilates or other workout class. If you have a date, call around to your local yoga studios to find out about any special couples yoga classes. Working out is a great way to enjoy yourself, whether you want to hang out with someone or just spend the time on bettering yourself.

Do something unique and fun! Some great ideas are going to a painting studio, doing something daring like skydiving or a hot air balloon ride, going to a concert of a band you’ve never seen live before and much more. Try something that you’ve always wanted to do but had an excuse not to.

If you’re single and not too happy with the opposite sex, get together with your friends and have an “Anti-Valentine’s Day” party. Throw darts at cupids, make fun drinks and have delicious appetizers, dish about your latest romantic conquests and watch hilarious comedies. Chances are you’ll be cracking up by the end of the night and forget all about the lovey-dovey parts of Valentine’s Day.

If you’re completely in love, go all in. Make or buy your significant other something that shows them how much you care and plan a date based on your mutual interests. For example, if you both love the cold weather, go ice skating where you can spin around and holds hands then warm up together after with hot cocoa.

However you spend Valentine’s Day, put on a positive attitude and have some fun!

Friendships are so important. I don’t know about you, but they bring so much happiness, laughter, fulfillment, hope and so much more into my life. So of course, maintaining your friendships is crucial. If you treat your friends like crap, you won’t have any. Here are some friendship rules I try to live by. I’m by no means perfect and friends come and go… but these tips are always good to keep in mind.

1. Put your friends before yourself sometimes. There will definitely be times when a friend will invite you somewhere and you don’t want to go. They will ask you a favor that you don’t want to do. Or maybe they just need a friend to listen and you’re “too busy”. Now, don’t let anyone walk all over you or take advantage and sometimes you’ll need to say “no”, but keep in mind a friendship has two sides. You can’t expect your friend to do nice things for you if you don’t do it for them!

So head with your friend to her doctor’s appointment if she’s nervous, go cheer your friend on at his basketball game, tag along when a friend wants you to run errands with them, etc. Doing something with or for a friend is sometimes the right thing to do. When faced with an invite that I don’t want to do, I’ll ask myself… would it mean a lot to this person if I did this? Would I just be sitting around otherwise? If yes, just do it. I bet you won’t even mind running around helping a friend run errands because it will make them happy and you’ll both share a laugh or two.

2. Be kind and send reminders that you cherish the friendship. There are so many ways to tell someone you care! Send a card ‘just because’, treat your friend to lunch, attend an event that is important to them (sports, dance recital, whatever…), send a quick Facebook message or text to say hi and the list goes on.

3. I’ve found that sometimes people just don’t make plans. I’ll get annoyed that I always seem to be the one to keep in touch with a friend or make plans or say hello, but some people just don’t. I try not to put any meaning behind it and just be proud of the fact that I am a planner and put effort into my friendships. If you’re a planner too, cherish it about yourself and keep planning! If you notice maybe you’re a procrastinator or forget to keep in touch, work on it and let your friends know you haven’t forgotten about them. The best day is today!

4. Lastly, read more. I found this great list of the top friendship qualities. I totally agree with all of them! They are just good qualities to have to be an amazing friend.

Tell me, in what ways are you a good friend? Or describe an amazing friend you have.

Check out Lauren’s Thoughts

However, for most people, it feels like a daunting task to alter their way of relating and begin defining personal boundaries, especially with family members for fear of disapproval and/or fear of abandonment.

To assist in harnessing this power of separateness, we must learn how to communicate this respectfully to others. The boundary or the line of distinction being drawn that we are ushering in can appear to many as being uncaring or cold. So, we must introduce this way of being human discretely. One of the best ways to deliver this separateness is through “Assertive Communication.”

But let’s first examine the different ways humans speak to each other. For the most part, styles of communication differ in the many different schools of thought that exist, and each category varies in degree as well. To simplify things, we will take the extreme ways of communicating in order to better emphasize the more appropriate and balanced “gray” areas of assertive communication.

Aggressive Communication

When we speak with aggressive communication we may feel like we are indeed standing up for ourselves, our feelings and our beliefs and drawing that important demarcating line of individuality, but we may not necessarily be delivering it politely and respectfully. If we are not, then the message or the intended human boundary we are trying to relate may not be heard or even understood. Aggressive communication tends to put the listener or the receiver in a defensive position, which may result in retaliatory behavior or may lead to tuning us out and not hearing a word we say. Aggressive communication tends to directly violate the rights of others in a sense, by steamrolling them with intimidating intentions, such as a loud voice, screaming, domination, manipulation, humiliation, blaming and control. Scare tactics such as hostile body postures and even facial expressions can also contribute to an “aggressive” type of communication. And this type of communication does not always guarantee we will get what we want.

Aggressive communication does not foster profound and trusting relationships; on the contrary, it creates oppositional and adversarial dynamics that leave others feeling scared and manipulated. It also places the burden of the problem on others and does not let us take responsibility. This is not a healthy way to love and respect someone.

Passive Communication

In contrast, passive communication is the withholding of thoughts, feelings and beliefs that may seem like we are playing it cool and not “rocking the boat,” but it does not foster healthy interpersonal relationships either. When we communicate passively, we tend to relate to others dishonestly or apologetically and in a sense we are violating our own rights in doing so. In addition, we are not only depriving ourselves the right to our individuality within the relationship but we are also depriving others of what we have to say and what we feel. This stance leaves relationships lacking in trust, honesty and authenticity because others do not know what we are truly thinking and feeling.

In this stance, the chances of getting what we want are even smaller than when we relate aggressively. It also tends to place the burden of a problem or conflict entirely on ourselves by naively letting others off the hook.

Assertive Communication

Assertive communication is a more suitable way to express our thoughts, feelings and beliefs in an honest, authentic and non-violating manner. Like aggressive and passive communication, it also does not guarantee we will get what we want, but it’s the best shot we have. It’s the foundation of I am me, and you are you. We are not one, we are instead very dissimilar.

Assertive communication is more about raising our self-esteem by establishing ourselves regardless of any situation. It’s the appropriate way to draw the above mentioned line of demarcation that does not involve withholding thoughts and feelings or expressing them inappropriately. Assertive communication is not about domination, manipulation or control, nor is it about raising the volume of your voice or using intimidating body postures.

How Does Assertive Communication Work?

Assertive communication is based on “I” statements that we use as a way to take full responsibility for our feelings, thoughts and actions. The “I” statement is a neutral stance that does not blame or point fingers at others. “I” statements are specific and do not use “absolute” language, such as always, never, should, etc. These words assume impractical expectations of others and undertake an unrealistic view of the world which most of the time is not true.

Assertive Communication Has Three Parts:

What I feel — Identifying a feeling in this situation helps to humanize the exchange and allow our partner to see that what they are saying is negatively affecting us. It helps to soften the conflict by introducing our subjective experience and communicating it with courtesy. Stating how we are feeling to others is also important because it helps us begin actualizing the importance of who we are.

What I see — This is simply identifying the behavior non-judgmentally. This helps us take responsibility by not saying “you,” the person, are the cause of my pain, but instead is saying that your behavior causes me to feel this way. So it does not come across as a character assassination but purely an observation of a behavior.

What I would like — This is what we are asking for in the spirit of our separateness and in the service of our personal differentiation as a person. However, as mentioned it does not mean that we will get what we want.

Now let us take a common interpersonal relationship issue and frame it under all three styles of communication. For example, at a holiday dinner with many of your friends and relatives present, your father reminds you that he is still upset with you because you didn’t follow in the family business and instead chose your own career path without checking with him.

Aggressive Communication: “You are so selfish, Dad! All you ever do is think of yourself. Why do you always have to ruin dinner with your petty grievances about what I choose to do with my career? You never cared about me anyway, so why pretend like you do now?”

Passive Communication: No verbal response. You are angry inside but too afraid to express it. You shut down and quietly churn in your contempt. Or you may offer an apologetic reply, which is probably dishonest. You then cower to him, bow your head and remain silent for the rest of the dinner and feel responsible for your father’s pain.

Assertive Communication: “I am very angry (what I feel) that you have again brought this up. I am sorry that you are upset with me (what I see) for following my own dreams and not following yours. I would prefer (what I want) if in the future, you would remember that there is a time and place for these types of discussions and this is not one of them.

Remember, assertive communication within our interpersonal relationships is not necessarily intended to change others and it is not necessarily intended to inspire projected outcomes in the future. If any of these things do occur as a result of communicating assertively then we are lucky. But the truth is that assertive communication is intended to help us evolve as humans and to promote our dignity as individuals.

By: John Tsilimparis and Courtesy of The Huffington Post.

First, I shrugged it off. “Whatever/not meant to be/guess he couldn’t keep up with me/I’m too busy and didn’t need him, anyway.” My female friends confirmed all these thoughts. I felt okay with it. There is that side that argues that maybe the guy has fallen into a coma/moved to Alaska/his uncle died and he’s away at his funeral … there could be TONS of “good” reasons why he didn’t call … but even the most logical and confident of us can spiral downward and turn it against ourselves.

By the time I’ve hung out casually with someone a few times and they’ve asked me out on a date, I’ve already imagined the next few months of our yet-to-be-materialized relationship. I’ve analyzed my potential suitor to death with my best friends and propped him up on some pedestal that I know I shouldn’t put him on. But this is just the way I’m wired.

As women, we’ve been trained to want romance since we were little girls. However you feel about Sex and the City, it’s hard not to identify with Charlotte when she declares: “I’ve been dating since I was 15! I’m exhausted! Where is he?” We have read all of the generic pre-dating, dating, breakup/rejection dating advice. But do we ever stop and laugh at what we put ourselves through? I’ve started doing it — looking back on the mess I can sometimes let myself become — and I have to say, it helps me feel a lot better about the whole ordeal.

With that in mind, here are some classic breakup defense mechanisms women — or at least I, with the support and company of my dearest friends — employ from time to time.

The ‘Lets Have A Night Out To Regret Something’ Phase

This stage usually comes right after a man you have legitimately dated blows you off. It involves your single girlfriends and a night out (maybe dancing on tables) and taking pictures you don’t ever want to see again. This is when you prove to yourself that you are still hot and desirable. You are single and ready to mingle. You may flirt a little more than you should, stay out longer than you should, etc. This requires your hottest outfit, favorite cocktails and money for a cab. This is also the stage where singing Beyonce and Ke$ha in public sounds like a brilliant idea, and your qualifications to be one of their backup dancers seem obvious.

The Mistake-Making Phase

This is a momentarily fun stage that’s more fun to chaperone a friend through than actually experience. Ill-placed tattoo of Tinkerbell/flower vine/shooting star? Regrettable piercing? Drastic job change? Hair-chopping or dying? Yup. Retail therapy? Perfect. Making eyes at your ex’s best friend? You bet! These are the tamest of the lamest of things we might do to let a bad feeling out. Its about spontaneity and making memories, momentary pain and the story you get out of it.

The Self-Help Phase

This is your classic “it’s not him, its me” stage. Symptoms include wearing sweatpants and wandering through Barnes and Nobles late at night, compulsively buying books with titles like Men Are From Mars, etc. etc. and reading them while drinking wine in the bathtub. You may also view “Bridget Jones’ Diary” for good measure. There may be some soul-searching and some tears. We can become desperate for psychological answers and reading therapy that explain why he ___________ us. We must have said something too much, been too much, and driven him to _______________. We look for answers, but usually aren’t satisfied.

The Self-Improvement Phase

A natural result of all that time in Self-Help, this is when you decide that you are going to focus on yourself — forget dating, this is about becoming a better you (and if you happen to meet some amazing man in trapeze class, so be it). This phase might include learning a new language (hence the purchase of French language CDs that have been in the console of my car since 2009) or learning how to play tennis/bartend/spelunk. This is also the time to buy books on historical or current events, begin watching the BBC or hire a therapist to work you through something.

I’m not sure why, but going through all of these admittedly inane phases helps you work through it. And when you surface on other side, perhaps with a tattoo but otherwise unmarred, you tend to remember your own awesomeness. Friends, of course, help with this. Mine remind me that I definitely don’t need him, that he clearly wasn’t THE ONE. And until my one shows up … well, I’ve got plenty of things to do, places to go and people to meet. Mr. Right can come find me right where I am.

Courtesy of The Huffington Post.

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Just like we use minimalism to get rid of excess stuff in favor of essential things, we can use it to rid ourselves of superfluous conversation in favor of essential, meaningful conversation.

7 Ways to Make Conversations Meaningful

1. Make your words count. There is no need to count your words, just make sure they count. You can make sure your words add value to your conversations. It is important to be acutely aware of what you are saying and, more importantly, why you are saying it.

2. Expand your vocabulary. An extensive vocabulary allows you to be more precise, and precision allows you to better convey what you mean in a short span.

3. Be succinct. Brevity is the soul of wit.

4. Avoid unnecessary conversations. Our words become sloppy when we are forced to partake to a multitude of unnecessary conversations each day. Many of these conversations can be avoided or radically attenuated. Can you think of more than one conversation you could have avoided or shortened yesterday? What could you have done to avoid that conversation?

5. Converse more with loved ones. The people who really matter in your life—your friends, family, and love ones—deserve quality conversation from you. By ridding yourself of the aforementioned unnecessary conversations, you can allocate more time to converse with your loved ones and establish deeper connections.

6. Listen more than you talk. It sounds cliché to say this, but some of the most profound truths are found in clichés. This happens to be one of those profound truths. Listening—honest, attentive listening—is not easy, and it doesn’t come naturally to most. Thus, we must make an effort to listen when we are engaged in meaningful conversation.

7. Ask and listen. An easy way to be an engaged listener is to ask and listen. This allows you to actively participate in the listening process by asking interesting questions and allowing the other person to respond uninterrupted (N.B. The quality of your questions is paramount here).

What other ways do you improve the quality of your conversations? Feel free to comment.

Courtesy of The Minimalists.

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© Copyright 2011  Allison Stuart Kaplan  www.Askinyourface.com LLC

Here are some traits you need in a boyfriend:

1. He’s always supportive, but honest. There are enough people in the world that try to bring you down or scoff at your goals. Your sweetie should support you in all things you want to do, but be honest enough to tell you when something you want to do really is dangerous to yourself or others.

2. He may never understand you, but he tries and accepts you. I don’t think boys will ever understand the brain of a girl (I don’t understand my brain half the time!) but the least he can do is accept you for who you are and love every part of you (even the crazy parts!).

3. He is attractive…to you. If you always go for the super model types, you will miss out on a lot of great guys. Finding a guy that is gorgeous isn’t everything…but finding a guy that you’re attracted to means a lot. If you don’t think your guy is hot stuff, you won’t last very long, even if he’s the greatest guy on the planet.

4. He listens but also talks. A guy that never lets you get a word in would be annoying, but a guy that never talks about himself would also be frustrating. Try to strike a good balance and make sure both of you feel that you’ve communicated enough and properly.

5. He isn’t controlling or a hot-head. Sure, we all have bossy moments or times when our temper flares up. But a deal-breaker for me would be if the guy I’m with tried to control my life and started to tell me what to do, then if I didn’t listen, got angry or even physical. Never stay in a relationship if he starts to hurt you, no matter what! If he won’t let you have a life outside your relationship, that is also a good warning sign you should break it off.

6. You have things in common and have fun together. A great relationship usually starts when you are friends first. People become friends because they have hobbies or personality traits in common and enjoy each other’s company. Try new things together to keep a relationship fresh!

7. Lastly and most importantly, he truly loves you and makes you feel safe, loved, and treats you with respect and kindness!

What do you think makes a good boyfriend or husband? Tell me about your guy who possesses all these amazing traits and why you’re the luckiest girl in the world!

Courtesy of Lauren’s Thoughts.

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© Copyright 2011  Allison Stuart Kaplan  www.Askinyourface.com LLC

That pretty much broke my heart. I told her that no one should ever make her feel that way and I believe that no one should ever be subject to those feelings, especially by someone who claims they love you.

This proves that controlling relationships aren’t just held by teenagers or twenty somethings, but can happen at any age and in any type of relationship. We all judge each other too harshly and too much. Even I have been told at times that I am too judgmental and every time it makes me break down. I don’t want to make anyone feel badly about themselves or feel as if they can’t tell me things.

So stop for a minute. Think about your relationships. Think about your boyfriend or girlfriend, your parents, your friends, your children, and even acquaintances. Acquaintances are the most judged because you don’t know their real story. You judge their decisions even though you don’t know the background of it, you judge their outfits or the way they look to make others laugh, and you say hurtful things because you don’t really know them and they don’t know you.

Remember that one little comment that you may think nothing of can break someone. Telling your girlfriend she gained a few can completely tear apart her confidence or gossiping about a high school classmate could get back to them and cause them to break down.

This is a really tough thing but if we all stopped with the bullying, name calling, gossiping, and controlling, think about what the world could be. What a world that would be. Let’s all band together to stop ourselves and others from tearing people down and causing hurt. Start today – say something kind when you’re tempted to say something nasty.

To read more from Lauren, visit Lauren’s Thoughts.

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© Copyright 2011  Allison Stuart Kaplan  www.Askinyourface.com LLC