Friendships are so important. I don’t know about you, but they bring so much happiness, laughter, fulfillment, hope and so much more into my life. So of course, maintaining your friendships is crucial. If you treat your friends like crap, you won’t have any. Here are some friendship rules I try to live by. I’m by no means perfect and friends come and go… but these tips are always good to keep in mind.

1. Put your friends before yourself sometimes. There will definitely be times when a friend will invite you somewhere and you don’t want to go. They will ask you a favor that you don’t want to do. Or maybe they just need a friend to listen and you’re “too busy”. Now, don’t let anyone walk all over you or take advantage and sometimes you’ll need to say “no”, but keep in mind a friendship has two sides. You can’t expect your friend to do nice things for you if you don’t do it for them!

So head with your friend to her doctor’s appointment if she’s nervous, go cheer your friend on at his basketball game, tag along when a friend wants you to run errands with them, etc. Doing something with or for a friend is sometimes the right thing to do. When faced with an invite that I don’t want to do, I’ll ask myself… would it mean a lot to this person if I did this? Would I just be sitting around otherwise? If yes, just do it. I bet you won’t even mind running around helping a friend run errands because it will make them happy and you’ll both share a laugh or two.

2. Be kind and send reminders that you cherish the friendship. There are so many ways to tell someone you care! Send a card ‘just because’, treat your friend to lunch, attend an event that is important to them (sports, dance recital, whatever…), send a quick Facebook message or text to say hi and the list goes on.

3. I’ve found that sometimes people just don’t make plans. I’ll get annoyed that I always seem to be the one to keep in touch with a friend or make plans or say hello, but some people just don’t. I try not to put any meaning behind it and just be proud of the fact that I am a planner and put effort into my friendships. If you’re a planner too, cherish it about yourself and keep planning! If you notice maybe you’re a procrastinator or forget to keep in touch, work on it and let your friends know you haven’t forgotten about them. The best day is today!

4. Lastly, read more. I found this great list of the top friendship qualities. I totally agree with all of them! They are just good qualities to have to be an amazing friend.

Tell me, in what ways are you a good friend? Or describe an amazing friend you have.

Check out Lauren’s Thoughts

However, for most people, it feels like a daunting task to alter their way of relating and begin defining personal boundaries, especially with family members for fear of disapproval and/or fear of abandonment.

To assist in harnessing this power of separateness, we must learn how to communicate this respectfully to others. The boundary or the line of distinction being drawn that we are ushering in can appear to many as being uncaring or cold. So, we must introduce this way of being human discretely. One of the best ways to deliver this separateness is through “Assertive Communication.”

But let’s first examine the different ways humans speak to each other. For the most part, styles of communication differ in the many different schools of thought that exist, and each category varies in degree as well. To simplify things, we will take the extreme ways of communicating in order to better emphasize the more appropriate and balanced “gray” areas of assertive communication.

Aggressive Communication

When we speak with aggressive communication we may feel like we are indeed standing up for ourselves, our feelings and our beliefs and drawing that important demarcating line of individuality, but we may not necessarily be delivering it politely and respectfully. If we are not, then the message or the intended human boundary we are trying to relate may not be heard or even understood. Aggressive communication tends to put the listener or the receiver in a defensive position, which may result in retaliatory behavior or may lead to tuning us out and not hearing a word we say. Aggressive communication tends to directly violate the rights of others in a sense, by steamrolling them with intimidating intentions, such as a loud voice, screaming, domination, manipulation, humiliation, blaming and control. Scare tactics such as hostile body postures and even facial expressions can also contribute to an “aggressive” type of communication. And this type of communication does not always guarantee we will get what we want.

Aggressive communication does not foster profound and trusting relationships; on the contrary, it creates oppositional and adversarial dynamics that leave others feeling scared and manipulated. It also places the burden of the problem on others and does not let us take responsibility. This is not a healthy way to love and respect someone.

Passive Communication

In contrast, passive communication is the withholding of thoughts, feelings and beliefs that may seem like we are playing it cool and not “rocking the boat,” but it does not foster healthy interpersonal relationships either. When we communicate passively, we tend to relate to others dishonestly or apologetically and in a sense we are violating our own rights in doing so. In addition, we are not only depriving ourselves the right to our individuality within the relationship but we are also depriving others of what we have to say and what we feel. This stance leaves relationships lacking in trust, honesty and authenticity because others do not know what we are truly thinking and feeling.

In this stance, the chances of getting what we want are even smaller than when we relate aggressively. It also tends to place the burden of a problem or conflict entirely on ourselves by naively letting others off the hook.

Assertive Communication

Assertive communication is a more suitable way to express our thoughts, feelings and beliefs in an honest, authentic and non-violating manner. Like aggressive and passive communication, it also does not guarantee we will get what we want, but it’s the best shot we have. It’s the foundation of I am me, and you are you. We are not one, we are instead very dissimilar.

Assertive communication is more about raising our self-esteem by establishing ourselves regardless of any situation. It’s the appropriate way to draw the above mentioned line of demarcation that does not involve withholding thoughts and feelings or expressing them inappropriately. Assertive communication is not about domination, manipulation or control, nor is it about raising the volume of your voice or using intimidating body postures.

How Does Assertive Communication Work?

Assertive communication is based on “I” statements that we use as a way to take full responsibility for our feelings, thoughts and actions. The “I” statement is a neutral stance that does not blame or point fingers at others. “I” statements are specific and do not use “absolute” language, such as always, never, should, etc. These words assume impractical expectations of others and undertake an unrealistic view of the world which most of the time is not true.

Assertive Communication Has Three Parts:

What I feel — Identifying a feeling in this situation helps to humanize the exchange and allow our partner to see that what they are saying is negatively affecting us. It helps to soften the conflict by introducing our subjective experience and communicating it with courtesy. Stating how we are feeling to others is also important because it helps us begin actualizing the importance of who we are.

What I see — This is simply identifying the behavior non-judgmentally. This helps us take responsibility by not saying “you,” the person, are the cause of my pain, but instead is saying that your behavior causes me to feel this way. So it does not come across as a character assassination but purely an observation of a behavior.

What I would like — This is what we are asking for in the spirit of our separateness and in the service of our personal differentiation as a person. However, as mentioned it does not mean that we will get what we want.

Now let us take a common interpersonal relationship issue and frame it under all three styles of communication. For example, at a holiday dinner with many of your friends and relatives present, your father reminds you that he is still upset with you because you didn’t follow in the family business and instead chose your own career path without checking with him.

Aggressive Communication: “You are so selfish, Dad! All you ever do is think of yourself. Why do you always have to ruin dinner with your petty grievances about what I choose to do with my career? You never cared about me anyway, so why pretend like you do now?”

Passive Communication: No verbal response. You are angry inside but too afraid to express it. You shut down and quietly churn in your contempt. Or you may offer an apologetic reply, which is probably dishonest. You then cower to him, bow your head and remain silent for the rest of the dinner and feel responsible for your father’s pain.

Assertive Communication: “I am very angry (what I feel) that you have again brought this up. I am sorry that you are upset with me (what I see) for following my own dreams and not following yours. I would prefer (what I want) if in the future, you would remember that there is a time and place for these types of discussions and this is not one of them.

Remember, assertive communication within our interpersonal relationships is not necessarily intended to change others and it is not necessarily intended to inspire projected outcomes in the future. If any of these things do occur as a result of communicating assertively then we are lucky. But the truth is that assertive communication is intended to help us evolve as humans and to promote our dignity as individuals.

By: John Tsilimparis and Courtesy of The Huffington Post.

First, I shrugged it off. “Whatever/not meant to be/guess he couldn’t keep up with me/I’m too busy and didn’t need him, anyway.” My female friends confirmed all these thoughts. I felt okay with it. There is that side that argues that maybe the guy has fallen into a coma/moved to Alaska/his uncle died and he’s away at his funeral … there could be TONS of “good” reasons why he didn’t call … but even the most logical and confident of us can spiral downward and turn it against ourselves.

By the time I’ve hung out casually with someone a few times and they’ve asked me out on a date, I’ve already imagined the next few months of our yet-to-be-materialized relationship. I’ve analyzed my potential suitor to death with my best friends and propped him up on some pedestal that I know I shouldn’t put him on. But this is just the way I’m wired.

As women, we’ve been trained to want romance since we were little girls. However you feel about Sex and the City, it’s hard not to identify with Charlotte when she declares: “I’ve been dating since I was 15! I’m exhausted! Where is he?” We have read all of the generic pre-dating, dating, breakup/rejection dating advice. But do we ever stop and laugh at what we put ourselves through? I’ve started doing it — looking back on the mess I can sometimes let myself become — and I have to say, it helps me feel a lot better about the whole ordeal.

With that in mind, here are some classic breakup defense mechanisms women — or at least I, with the support and company of my dearest friends — employ from time to time.

The ‘Lets Have A Night Out To Regret Something’ Phase

This stage usually comes right after a man you have legitimately dated blows you off. It involves your single girlfriends and a night out (maybe dancing on tables) and taking pictures you don’t ever want to see again. This is when you prove to yourself that you are still hot and desirable. You are single and ready to mingle. You may flirt a little more than you should, stay out longer than you should, etc. This requires your hottest outfit, favorite cocktails and money for a cab. This is also the stage where singing Beyonce and Ke$ha in public sounds like a brilliant idea, and your qualifications to be one of their backup dancers seem obvious.

The Mistake-Making Phase

This is a momentarily fun stage that’s more fun to chaperone a friend through than actually experience. Ill-placed tattoo of Tinkerbell/flower vine/shooting star? Regrettable piercing? Drastic job change? Hair-chopping or dying? Yup. Retail therapy? Perfect. Making eyes at your ex’s best friend? You bet! These are the tamest of the lamest of things we might do to let a bad feeling out. Its about spontaneity and making memories, momentary pain and the story you get out of it.

The Self-Help Phase

This is your classic “it’s not him, its me” stage. Symptoms include wearing sweatpants and wandering through Barnes and Nobles late at night, compulsively buying books with titles like Men Are From Mars, etc. etc. and reading them while drinking wine in the bathtub. You may also view “Bridget Jones’ Diary” for good measure. There may be some soul-searching and some tears. We can become desperate for psychological answers and reading therapy that explain why he ___________ us. We must have said something too much, been too much, and driven him to _______________. We look for answers, but usually aren’t satisfied.

The Self-Improvement Phase

A natural result of all that time in Self-Help, this is when you decide that you are going to focus on yourself — forget dating, this is about becoming a better you (and if you happen to meet some amazing man in trapeze class, so be it). This phase might include learning a new language (hence the purchase of French language CDs that have been in the console of my car since 2009) or learning how to play tennis/bartend/spelunk. This is also the time to buy books on historical or current events, begin watching the BBC or hire a therapist to work you through something.

I’m not sure why, but going through all of these admittedly inane phases helps you work through it. And when you surface on other side, perhaps with a tattoo but otherwise unmarred, you tend to remember your own awesomeness. Friends, of course, help with this. Mine remind me that I definitely don’t need him, that he clearly wasn’t THE ONE. And until my one shows up … well, I’ve got plenty of things to do, places to go and people to meet. Mr. Right can come find me right where I am.

Courtesy of The Huffington Post.

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Just like we use minimalism to get rid of excess stuff in favor of essential things, we can use it to rid ourselves of superfluous conversation in favor of essential, meaningful conversation.

7 Ways to Make Conversations Meaningful

1. Make your words count. There is no need to count your words, just make sure they count. You can make sure your words add value to your conversations. It is important to be acutely aware of what you are saying and, more importantly, why you are saying it.

2. Expand your vocabulary. An extensive vocabulary allows you to be more precise, and precision allows you to better convey what you mean in a short span.

3. Be succinct. Brevity is the soul of wit.

4. Avoid unnecessary conversations. Our words become sloppy when we are forced to partake to a multitude of unnecessary conversations each day. Many of these conversations can be avoided or radically attenuated. Can you think of more than one conversation you could have avoided or shortened yesterday? What could you have done to avoid that conversation?

5. Converse more with loved ones. The people who really matter in your life—your friends, family, and love ones—deserve quality conversation from you. By ridding yourself of the aforementioned unnecessary conversations, you can allocate more time to converse with your loved ones and establish deeper connections.

6. Listen more than you talk. It sounds cliché to say this, but some of the most profound truths are found in clichés. This happens to be one of those profound truths. Listening—honest, attentive listening—is not easy, and it doesn’t come naturally to most. Thus, we must make an effort to listen when we are engaged in meaningful conversation.

7. Ask and listen. An easy way to be an engaged listener is to ask and listen. This allows you to actively participate in the listening process by asking interesting questions and allowing the other person to respond uninterrupted (N.B. The quality of your questions is paramount here).

What other ways do you improve the quality of your conversations? Feel free to comment.

Courtesy of The Minimalists.

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© Copyright 2011  Allison Stuart Kaplan  www.Askinyourface.com LLC

Here are some traits you need in a boyfriend:

1. He’s always supportive, but honest. There are enough people in the world that try to bring you down or scoff at your goals. Your sweetie should support you in all things you want to do, but be honest enough to tell you when something you want to do really is dangerous to yourself or others.

2. He may never understand you, but he tries and accepts you. I don’t think boys will ever understand the brain of a girl (I don’t understand my brain half the time!) but the least he can do is accept you for who you are and love every part of you (even the crazy parts!).

3. He is attractive…to you. If you always go for the super model types, you will miss out on a lot of great guys. Finding a guy that is gorgeous isn’t everything…but finding a guy that you’re attracted to means a lot. If you don’t think your guy is hot stuff, you won’t last very long, even if he’s the greatest guy on the planet.

4. He listens but also talks. A guy that never lets you get a word in would be annoying, but a guy that never talks about himself would also be frustrating. Try to strike a good balance and make sure both of you feel that you’ve communicated enough and properly.

5. He isn’t controlling or a hot-head. Sure, we all have bossy moments or times when our temper flares up. But a deal-breaker for me would be if the guy I’m with tried to control my life and started to tell me what to do, then if I didn’t listen, got angry or even physical. Never stay in a relationship if he starts to hurt you, no matter what! If he won’t let you have a life outside your relationship, that is also a good warning sign you should break it off.

6. You have things in common and have fun together. A great relationship usually starts when you are friends first. People become friends because they have hobbies or personality traits in common and enjoy each other’s company. Try new things together to keep a relationship fresh!

7. Lastly and most importantly, he truly loves you and makes you feel safe, loved, and treats you with respect and kindness!

What do you think makes a good boyfriend or husband? Tell me about your guy who possesses all these amazing traits and why you’re the luckiest girl in the world!

Courtesy of Lauren’s Thoughts.

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© Copyright 2011  Allison Stuart Kaplan  www.Askinyourface.com LLC

That pretty much broke my heart. I told her that no one should ever make her feel that way and I believe that no one should ever be subject to those feelings, especially by someone who claims they love you.

This proves that controlling relationships aren’t just held by teenagers or twenty somethings, but can happen at any age and in any type of relationship. We all judge each other too harshly and too much. Even I have been told at times that I am too judgmental and every time it makes me break down. I don’t want to make anyone feel badly about themselves or feel as if they can’t tell me things.

So stop for a minute. Think about your relationships. Think about your boyfriend or girlfriend, your parents, your friends, your children, and even acquaintances. Acquaintances are the most judged because you don’t know their real story. You judge their decisions even though you don’t know the background of it, you judge their outfits or the way they look to make others laugh, and you say hurtful things because you don’t really know them and they don’t know you.

Remember that one little comment that you may think nothing of can break someone. Telling your girlfriend she gained a few can completely tear apart her confidence or gossiping about a high school classmate could get back to them and cause them to break down.

This is a really tough thing but if we all stopped with the bullying, name calling, gossiping, and controlling, think about what the world could be. What a world that would be. Let’s all band together to stop ourselves and others from tearing people down and causing hurt. Start today – say something kind when you’re tempted to say something nasty.

To read more from Lauren, visit Lauren’s Thoughts.

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© Copyright 2011  Allison Stuart Kaplan  www.Askinyourface.com LLC

The recent sexual assaults in Ann Arbor are a fitting reminder that the prep work for college is more than about the right size sheets for the extra long dorm mattress. Our sons and daughters (even seasoned juniors) need to hear from us about being safe and responsible.  I suspect that most parents will talk with their college age child about the dangers of drinking, especially binge drinking. Most colleges spend a lot of time at orientation and through student/parent communication, discussing this important issue.

But just as critical is the needed conversation about sexual assault. In a 2000 study by the Bureau of Justice it is estimated that the percentage of completed or attempted rape victimization among women in higher educational institutions may be between 20% and 25% over the course of a college career. Among college women, 9 in 10 victims of rape and sexual assault knew their offender, many being assaulted on a date. A 2007 study by the National Institute of Justice found that most rapes occurred in September, October and November and with Freshmen and Sophomore women being most at risk. Many in the field question these statistics and the fact that they may in fact under represent the number of sexual assaults, as it is also estimated that only 20% of such crimes are ever reported to law enforcement or other authorities.

So parents, once that shopping is done, here is your next “to do list:”

Parents of Young Men

• Talk about men’s responsibility in ending sexual assault.  Talk about the role of a bystander, what to do when you believe a woman is in danger of being assaulted by a peer.
• Discuss consent – what is the legal definition, what is the practical definition – only yes means yes.
• Discuss equality within a dating relationship.
• Discuss the role that alcohol can play – someone who is drunk is not able to give consent – ever!

Parents of Young Women

• Talk about the difference between “risk reduction” and “prevention.”  As women, we hear constantly about how we can “prevent” being raped but the reality is that these tools are only ways in which we might be able to reduce the risk of an assault. True prevention of a rape, lies in the behavior of the potential rapist, NOT in the victim.  Saying we can “prevent” being raped, is setting up a victim of rape to feel blame and to be blamed when an assault occurs.
• Risk Reduction ideas:  walk in groups, let others know your whereabouts/plans for the day or evening, monitor alcohol/drug consumption, have a plan for yourself and friends who might become intoxicated, create a safety plan for yourself and your roommates/friends.
• Become aware of campus safety features. Many colleges have programs that provide escort service from campus buildings, parking lots, etc.
• Talk about equality in dating relationships.
• Let your daughter know that no matter what, you are there for her. If she has been drinking, at a party, etc and she is victimized, let her know that you are still there for her and won’t judge her on her choices. She needs to know that she will be supported, believed and cared for if an assault occurs.

Those reading this article who are not parents of a college student are not off the hook. Ending rape is the responsibility of the entire community!  We must all speak out against rape. We must all become active bystanders – speaking out against abusive beliefs and behaviors. We must insist on prevention education in our local school systems. We must work diligently to hold perpetrators accountable.

Please join HAVEN in our efforts, here are two fact sheets about teen dating violence and teen sexual assault that might help you, your family or a friend.

Courtesy of HAVEN.

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© Copyright 2011  Allison Stuart Kaplan  www.Askinyourface.com LLC

“We come to love not by finding a perfect person, but by learning to see an imperfect person perfectly.” -Sam Keen

Before I married my wonderful husband, I dated a lot of men. For most of my 20s (and even my early 30s) I had a perfect fairy-ideal of what romantic love was, probably because I was an actress and loved drama back then.

It took years for me to realize a relationship is not a romance movie.

At some point in our lives, we may believe that love should be like the kind of romance we see portrayed in films, television, and novels.

For some reason, I always thought my romantic relationships were less if I did not experience this kind of fairy-tale relationship. Maybe this is why I kept meeting frogs.

At times, I bought into the belief that if I had a relationship with the perfect prince, then all would be well in my life. I thought, Now, I will be safe forever.

In truth, I did marry a prince—but a prince who is also human, who has faults and issues just like every person, no matter how wonderful he is.

At some point I grew up and learned to let go of the crazy metaphor of romantic love in order to find true happiness. Yes, I was disappointed to realize that the knight riding through the night to save the damsel in distress is a fallacy. It’s a bummer.

But, let’s look at it in this light: We all saw Romeo and Juliet and Titanic. Why stories like these make our hearts sing is that the love is unrequited. Unavailability fuels the romantic expression.

This kind of romantic story can only work when there is an absence of the lover. Sometimes, they have to die in the end in order for their love to fit into this romantic view. Or, we eat handfuls of popcorn, waiting to see if they live happily ever after, and we rarely find out if they really do.

The romantic love fantasy is really a substitute for intimacy—real, connected, vulnerable intimacy.

So then, how do we make relationships work and stay happy?

We begin with the understanding of what pure love is, and then redefine and update the romantic fairytale into a healthier type of love.

Here are 10 ways to create true intimacy, find pure love, and be truly happy in your relationship:

1. Use relationships to teach you how to be whole within.

Relationships aren’t about having another person complete you, but coming to the relationship whole and sharing your life interdependently. By letting go of the romantic ideal of merging and becoming “one,” you learn as Rainer Maria Rilke says, to love the distances in relationship as much as the togetherness.

2. See your partner for who he or she really is.

The romantic tragedy occurs when you view the person you are in love with as a symbol of what they have come to represent, the idea of them. When you realize that more often than not you don’t really know your partner, you begin to discover who they are and how they change and evolve.

3. Be willing to learn from each other.

The key is to see the other as a mirror and learn from the reflection how you can be a better person. When you feel upset, rather than blame your partner and point fingers, remain awake to what has yet to be healed in yourself.

4. Get comfortable being alone.

In order to accept that love can’t rescue you from being alone, learn to spend time being with yourself. By feeling safe and secure to be on your own within the framework of relationship, you will feel more complete, happy, and whole.

5. Look closely at why a fight may begin.

Some couples create separateness by fighting and then making up over and over again. This allows you to continue the romantic trance, creating drama and avoiding real intimacy. If you become aware of what you fear about intimacy, you’ll have a better sense of why you’re fighting—and likely will fight far less.

6. Own who you are.

We generally grasp at romantic love because we’re yearning for something that is out of reach, something in another person that we don’t think we possess in ourselves. Unfortunately, when we finally get love, we discover that we didn’t get what we were looking for.

True love only exists by loving yourself first. You can only get from another person what you’re willing to give yourself.

7. Embrace ordinariness.

After the fairy-dust start of a relationship ends, we discover ordinariness, and we often do everything we can to avoid it. The trick is to see that ordinariness can become the real “juice” of intimacy. The day-to-day loveliness of sharing life with a partner can, and does, become extraordinary.

8. Expand your heart.

One thing that unites us is that we all long to be happy. This happiness usually includes the desire to be close to someone in a loving way. To create real intimacy, get in touch with the spaciousness of your heart and bring awareness to what is good within you.

It’s easier to recognize the good in your partner when you’re connected to the good in yourself.

9. Focus on giving love.

Genuine happiness is not about feeling good about ourselves because other people love us; it’s more about how well we have loved ourselves and others. The unintentional outcome of loving others more deeply is that we are loved more deeply.

10. Let go of expectations.

You may look to things such as romance and constant togetherness to fill a void in yourself. This will immediately cause suffering. If you unconsciously expect to receive love in certain ways to avoid giving that love to yourself, you will put your sense of security in someone else.

Draw upon your own inner-resources to offer love, attention, and nurturance to yourself when you need it. Then you can let love come to you instead of putting expectations on what it needs to look like.

These are only a few ways to explore real intimacy. How do you create a loving connection in your relationship?

Courtesy of Tiny Buddha.com. Lynn Zavaro guides others to know themselves and create the life they’ve always envisioned. She has a Masters degree in Counseling Psychology. Her book and card deck set, The Game of You™- An Interactive Way To Know Yourself, Create The Life You Want offers a powerful, profound and FUN experience of self-discovery and transformation.

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© Copyright 2011  Allison Stuart Kaplan  www.Askinyourface.com LLC

These are the questions explored today on CNN Health by sex therapist, Ian Kerner in his latest column entitled Female infidelity: It’s different from the guys.

The answers in Kerner’s article parallel many of the findings from my in-depth infidelity research which started over 17 years ago, and still continues today.

Why Men and Women Cheat

As an infidelity expert frequently called on by the media to comment on popular infidelity issues in the news, one of the most frequent questions I get is this:

What makes a man or woman cheat on his or her mate?

The answer to that question depends on whether the cheater is a woman or a man. Numerous infidelity studies, surveys and polls have found that the reasons why men cheat differ from the reasons why women cheat. Each gender has different motivations for getting involved in an affair.

Sexual vs Emotional Reasons for Cheating on One’s Mate

Below are the top 10 reasons cheating husbands and cheating wives use to justify their extramarital affairs. You will notice, when you compare the two lists, that for cheating men, sex is the primary motivating factor.

For cheating women, the key factors are dissatisfaction, unhappiness, or unmet emotional needs. In his article, Kerner states:

“It’s often said that men cheat for sex, while women cheat for love, the theory being that men can more easily compartmentalize sex and emotion, while women typically need to experience an emotional connection to a person before feeling sexual desire.”

Top Ten Reasons Why Men Cheat

• more sex – the desire for a more active sex life

• sexual variety – the desire for different types of sex or a particular sex act

• opportunistic sex – he’s presented with an opportunity to have sex without getting caught

• to satisfy his sexual curiosity about having sex with a particular person

• to reaffirm his sexuality

• a feeling of entitlement (the belief that it’s a man’s prerogative to cheat)

• the “thrill of the chase”

• ego embellishment – the desire to feel important or special

• peer pressure

• sexual addiction

Top 10 Reasons Why Women Cheat

• to fulfill an unmet need for emotional intimacy or a desire close emotional bond

• dissatisfaction with her mate

• dissatisfaction with her marriage or relationship

• a desire for male attention

• reaffirmation of her desirability as a woman

• to re-capture the feelings of romance or passion

• a desire to feel “special”

• boredom or loneliness

• feelings of neglect or being taken for granted

• sexual excitement

Differences in the Reasons Why Men and Women Cheat

Men tend to cheat largely for sexual reasons, while women cheat for emotional reasons. There are several infidelity studies that bear that out. One study, in particular, found that 75% to 80% of the men who admitted to having extramarital affairs said that sex was the primary reason.  Yet, only 20% of the women who were having extramarital affairs said they cheated on their spouses for purely sexual reasons.

Of course, top 10 reasons listed above for cheating men and cheating women by no means the only reasons why married men and women cheat on their mates. But these are the reasons most frequently cited by cheating husbands and cheating wives who participated in infidelity studies conducted to find out why men and women cheat.

However, you’ll find numerous other reasons in the articles cited in this section, and in the articles listed below. (Scroll down to the end to see the complete list.

More about Why Men Cheat

As you can see, unhappiness or dissatisfaction is not a major reason why men cheat, but it’s one of the primary motivating factors for women who cheat on their mates.

Many people believe that a happy husband will not cheat on his wife, and that a good marriage or relationship is immune to infidelity. My ongoing independent research, as well as recent infidelity studies prove that this is not true. See Happy Husbands Cheat Too, and Even Good Marriages are Susceptible to Infidelity

Kerner concurs, stating in his article:

“Many of the men I’ve encountered who have cheated on their wives often have no desire to leave their primary relationship. Many of them even characterize themselves as happily married with satisfying sex lives.”

More about Why Women Cheat

As I have stated in numerous TV interviews, in many of my articles, and in the CBC (Canadian Broadcasting Company) documentary on female infidelity entitled A Passion for More, women tend to cheat as a last resort.

A woman will usually attempt to convey her dissatisfaction or unhappiness to her mate. If he ignores her or takes her complaints lightly, and it becomes clear to her that nothing will change, she will usually have an affair.

Kerner confirms this in his CNN article, in which he writes:

“A woman who cheats is often a woman who doesn’t want to work it out. She’s already invested time trying to work it out, and she’s done. It’s too late.”  Unfortunately, as widespread as female infidelity has become, many unsuspecting men have no idea their wives or girlfriends are having an affair.

The Infidelity Victim is the Last to Know

Regardless of the reasons why men and women cheat, one thing holds true across the board: The victim of infidelity is still the last to know – despite the presence of many subtle and obvious telltale signs.

In one study found that 70% of the married women and 54% of the married men had no idea their spouse was having an affair.

Another study found that 60% of the cheating spouses said their partner was unaware of their affair.

The best strategy for anyone who hopes to save a marriage or relationship from infidelity is to educate oneself about infidelity, and learn to recognize both the subtle, and the obvious signs.

In this day and age, anyone who has the misfortune to be a victim of infidelity, cannot afford to be the last to know.

Ruth Houston is a New York-based infidelity expert who is frequently called on by the media to comment on high profile infidelity and popular infidelity issues in the news. She is the founder of www.InfidelityAdvice.com, the author of Is He Cheating on You? – 829 Telltale Signs, and publishes the Infidelity News and Views blog. To interview infidelity expert Ruth Houston, or have her speak at your next event, call 718 592-6029 or e-mail InfidelityExpert@gmail.com.

© Copyright 2011  Allison Stuart Kaplan  www.Askinyourface.com LLC

1. Get all the ladies in your family together and enjoy a nice brunch on Mother’s Day. Include all the mothers and girls and head to a special restaurant. A unique and traditional place to go is a tearoom: you can dress in your Sunday best and enjoy some tea and treats with the special women in your life. Take a look at this list of Michigan tearooms and find one in your area.

2. Spend the day pampering yourselves with your mom. For Mother’s Day, get her a gift certificate for a massage, facial, or manicure and spend the day getting pampered together! You’ll have all day to chat and relax and surely grow closer.

3. If your mom doesn’t want to make a big deal of the day, just be sure to visit! Simply being there for her and bringing her a little gift of flowers or jewelry will make her feel amazing.

© Copyright 2011  Allison Stuart Kaplan  www.Askinyourface.com LLC